Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Aaaand 2 Years later...

It hasn't felt like two years. Maybe a few months. I guess for updates:
We followed through with the IVF June of 2015. I ended up having 26 eggs retrieved! Great, right? Welp, none fertilized the following day so we did emergency ICSI. Only one embryo made it to transfer, which, was the day after my birthday. Such a punch in the gut. I went through my TWW and spotted almost the entire time. Turns out, the progesterone suppositories were irritating my cervix causing the bleeding. At the end of the TWW I got a BFN. A BFN and a BFLoan!

So we've focused our energy on us and moving forward. Next on our list was getting into a house. So we spent the next year (2016) getting our credit awesome, paying down the extras, and house hunting!! June rolls around again and we just weren't happy with any of the houses we checked, which led us to contact a BUILDER!! We got to pick out every detail of our house and couldn't have been happier. Everything was finished in October and we spent the two major holidays of the year in our new house.

Cut to six months later and here we are.

And still another year away from trying IVF again. It was definitely a learning experience, albeit, an expensive one. We will do ICSI from the start and freeze half the eggs. And, AND!!!! when we do IVF next year, our credit will be shiny! So shiny, in fact, that we will get a bomb-ass APR when we finance it.

I'm not going to lie though, everyday is still up and down. There are super dark days that I just feel so useless and immobilized but I have to remind myself to just keep moving forward. Even when I don't want to. Even when I don't believe I can. Then I recover, days feel better, colors brighter. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

But I'm still here, still going, and still praying.

Baby dust y'all!

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How Hard Are You Willing to Fight?

I'm pretty sure Murphy's Law was based on my life.

We have been making these plans to take care of the financial part of IVF and focusing everything on it. Friday my car dropped its speed while I was on the highway and wouldn't rise above 60 mph. Then, Monday, when the three kids I nanny are in my car, it decides to shut completely off.

So now its in the shop and i don't have much hope for it. I'm in an overpriced rental because I'm three years younger than they would like to have me. Lets just say, money is so tight, it's looking like IVF is near impossible.

But, nothing is impossible.

I just finished reading a post that made me realize what this is:

First, nothing is impossible through God
Second, He wants to make sure I don't want a baby more than I want Him.
Third, how hard am I willing to fight?

And let me just say, at certain times I feel completely drained and weak, but I think of what has been done for me through Christ and I absolutely KNOW I can do this! He gives me the strength I need. Money may seem like an issue but I just need to have faith that He will always provide what is needed

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

One Small Step for Infertility, A Huge Leap Towards Baby Boomer

Today was consultation day and I'm feeling just a bit overwhelmed, okay, a lot overwhelmed...
A couple of things talked about was the possible use of ICSI instead of insemination and PGS. Both of these these weird me out to the max. Just thinking about someone poking into my eggs or embryos is scaring the baJesus out of me.
Looking at different success rates on paper is all Mr. Boomer needed to see to be down but, and a HUGE but, I'm terrified. All the what-if's are just now hitting me. I just believed that trying this would be no biggie and we'd probably get pregnant right away. I liked that little world much better than what-if.

Now, for the good news, I have a lots of BIG BEAUTIFUL FOLLICLES! I could not smile bigger if I tried! These babies are just ready to be fertilized....

So today was a good day with lots of information (including crazy prices) and I'm so ready to meet my Baby Boomer!!!!

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Trading Addictions

I quit smoking about 3 weeks ago. YAY! right? Unfortunately I've been functioning solely on red bulls and rockstars..... Yikes!

This date is is hovering ever closer and I'm so ready but I don't want to do these test and have something else come up. I've read other blogs of women who have scarring in their uterus and since I had scarring in my tubes (which caused me to lose both with ectopic pregnancies) I feel like this may end up being a problem.

I always just want to think, "But I'm young! Nothing should be wrong!", still these doubts seem to linger just like a bully pointing and laughing at my misery... I will have the last laugh.

If you caught me about a year ago I would still be blaming God. I walked off His path for a really long time, wondering how he could take my precious children from me before I could even hold them. But He is making me stronger and still always shaping me to really appreciate my future child, to always have hope that he will provide.

On a side note, midterms are this week and I'm trading awesome wonderful lovely sleep for study time. I haven't seen hubby in about 3days since I've been working odd hours. All will turn out well, I just know it!

I should probably go shopping now. I've been sitting in the parking lot writing this. And I also just realized how bad my ADHD is showing in this post! Have a great weekend guys!

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Fear and Happiness Go Hand in Hand

 We officially announced on Facebook that we are going to a fertility clinic and while I fully expected to have people questioning or trying to give (un)helpful advice, everyone was just extremely supportive. Saying "infertility" seems to be becoming less and less of a dirty word. I'm not ashamed anymore to talk about it openly.

We set our consultation appointment for April 14th in San Antonio which is a month away and a month earlier than we had planned!!! It's impossible for me to explain how excited I am. I know this will work! All this time it never felt real to me, I thought for sure we would just procrastinate or find some excuse not to follow through but gosh darn I WILL BE A MOTHER! :)

I'm wondering if anyone else felt an initial relief by just setting the appointment? I don't think DH is as affected as I am by setting the date but I haven't really seen him much because of our conflicting schedules. We're taking that day to go to the clinic and after maybe check out the Alamo or take a boat on the Riverwalk and spend a whole day together FINALLY. Does anyone have advice on the questions I should ask? I have a whole list but more would be appreciated.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Hump Day

I remember signing up for classes was as easy as logging in to my online account. Now it's just a pain in my butt. I'm so ready to be done with school and in my forever job *sigh* but so blessed to have the opportunity to be where I am.

I'm just counting away the days to May when we go to the clinic. It shouldn't be so hard to become a mother. I used to joke that I wanted an army of children to take over the world but now I really would give anything to have just one. I see friends and acquaintances from high school getting pregnant left and right, saying there's something in the water. I must be drinking from a bottle... 😆

I watched a documentary on veganism the other day and I'm thinking maybe it could be a great lifestyle change by DH thinks I'm nuts now. Sooooo maybe not. Probably not good for a healthy pregnancy anyway.

5 more months!!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Dreams, Depression, and Downsides

Let me start by expressing my apologies. I know, I know, I haven't posted in forever. I've been sick, I got let go from my job, (place more excuses here). Everything seems to get in the way and it's hard to find "me" time. That's what I've decided this is, my expression, my stress free zone, Mine.

I've been having these dreams the last two months, of being pregnant/giving birth, and at all different stages. I've seen my children (yes, plural) in my dreams. A boy and a girl, twins no less. My mother believes that if you see your child in your dream it's God's way of showing whats to come. As much as I'd love to accept that as truth, I think it's more likely my subconscious projecting what I want.

Right now, that's hard to deal with. Waking up from vivid dreams of children and knowing that I'm infertile and it's going to be this way for a while.

I'm trying to focus on the positive though. We'll have our house in January. DH and I finally decided on a date to talk to the infertility clinic as well. Our only option is IVF so we're going to a clinic in Austin in May that provides the Natural Cycle.

If anyone has any stories or advice on their own Natural Cycle IVF good or bad I'd love to hear it.